Enneagram proponents offer a prescription for all people for the sake of their spiritual growth: solitude, silence and stillness. This article traces these monastic ideas to an early desert father (as they were called) whose eccentric life was admired but included demonic torment. More importantly, the fact that the Bible never prescribes solitude, silence or stillness is a truth that is ignored by contemporary mystics. The article uses sound exegesis to refute those who misuse Jesus' time in the wilderness to promote ancient, monastic spirituality. We expose the absurdity of "nonconceptual prayer" and show that all prayer in the Bible involves cognition of ideas, not an emptied mind. Mystics dangle the hope of "self discovery" to entice people into their beliefs and practices. We show that the means of grace that are given to the church are not about solitude, silence or self discovery, but about corporately remembering what Christ did and believing the promises of God. This article is a call for the church to wake up and see that false teachers are seducing people away from the faith "once for all handed down to the saints." We need to bring our prayers to the throne of grace, not to empty our minds and remove ourselves from true fellowship.